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 that when she jumped for joy she got stuck

 

One night Sandra woke up and herd a voice saying”I’m gonna get you!” so she goes down stairs and she hears the voice again “im gonna get you!”so she goes into the kitchen and hears it again”im gonna get you!”she opens the cupboard and opens a box in the cupboard and see’s her brother picking his nose!!!!!!!!ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww 

There were these 3 guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them “Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in.”

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out “Bananas!” and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out “Money!” and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells “Oh Shit!”

A man goes to a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling at the waitress, “Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!”

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, “That’s disgusting!”

Then the waitress says, “You think that’s disgusting you should see him make donuts.”

This is Heaven This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. 

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “ooohed and aaahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.” 

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. 

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?” 

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.” 

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. 

“How much to eat?” asked the old man. 

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied. 

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly. “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.” 

The old man looked at his wife and said, “You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago! 

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt!” Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

There’s this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, “What do you think you’re doing?” The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbor.”

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said ” I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!” The second man says “Ok, sure.” and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: ” I’ll bet you another $100 you can’t do it again.” So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says “Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in.” The first man says” Ok, sure.” The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man ” Gee, you can be a bastard when you’re pissed, Superman.” 

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. 

 

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.” 

 

The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.” 

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander).  He went to a neurosurgeon and asked “Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?”
“Sure, it’s easy.” replied the neurosurgeon. “All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you’ll be a Newfie.”
The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation.  However, the surgeon’s knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient’s brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient’s brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient’s bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.
As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him, “I’m terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident.  Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.”
The patient replied, “Qu’est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?”

A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of
Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza.

The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, “Single, huh?”

Sarcastically the guy sneers, “How’d you guess?”
She replies, “Because you’re f**king ugly.”

Maria was a devoted, religious girl. She got married and had 17 children. Then her husband died. She remarried two weeks later, and had 22 children by her next husband. Then he died. A while later she died.

At the funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, “At least they’re finally together.”
A guy sitting in the front row said, “Excuse me, father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?”

The priest said, “I mean her legs.”

Things Not To Say When Pulled Over By The Police 

12. When the officer says “gee son… your eyes look red, been drinking?” you probably shouldn’t respond with, “gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

11. “I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.”

10. “Do you know why you pulled me over? okay, just so one of us does.”

9. “Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!”

8. “I pay your salary!”

7. “You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?”

6. “I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.” 

5. “Are you Andy or Barney?”

4. “Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!”

3. “Aren’t you the guy from the village people?”

2. “Sorry, officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.” 

and the number one thing not to say to a cop is-
1. “I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.” 

Dear Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks, Joe

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support”. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just
deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire, section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but VERY high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.  This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
 
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
 
Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
 
The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded”.
 
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he’d rise once again, but he was no tart.
 
He was known as a piece of cake.
 
His second wife, Play Dough, survives Doughboy. They have two children, and one in the oven.
 
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap. 

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

If At First You Don’t Succeed…blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name

Illiterate? Write For Help

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

It’s Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]

Ax Me About Ebonics

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

Don’t Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

Heart Attacks… God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.  However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.  I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: “Why the spoon?” 

“Well,” he explained, the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil.  This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.  If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift. As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said:
“I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was rather impressed; the waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.  Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flys. 

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?” “Oh, certainly!” he answered, lowering his voice. “Not everyone is as observant as you.  That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom.” ”How so?” I ask. 

“See,” he continued, “by tying this string to the tip of ….you know… we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent” ”Okay, that makes sense, but… if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?” 

“Well,” he whispered, lowering his voice even further, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

This blog was created to help spread joy and happiness through humour.  It has been found that laughing reduces stress by the release of endorphines into the bloodstream. 

Why some people find some jokes funny and others not can not be easily explained.  But, who cares?  As long as someone laughs it will improve the quality of their life and perhaps even improve the quality of their relationships with others.

For those of you that may be offended by some of the jokes, then make sure and leave a comment as to how you feel and why.

Please share your jokes with us as well so that others can enjoy the humour.  If we can only get everyone laughing at least once a day, it will not only reduce stress but also perhaps increase the level of world peace.