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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.” 

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she’s speeding so she asks the blonde if there’s a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he’s got his lights on. The blonde replies “Yes…No…Yes…No…Yes…No” 

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.  As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? …
They send me a BLIND policeman. . .

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper
arrived. 
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant.  ”Are you OK ma’am?”

“Yes, officer, I’m just fine” the blonde chirped.

“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree!  I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was….”

“Uh, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles.  That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? … 

 

“Is it mine?”

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.” A friend says, OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?”

The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.  She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.” The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”

Two blondes are walking down the street.  One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.  The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.

The husband said, “Who was that?” The wife said, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know “if the coast is clear.”

 
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.  She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the ‘no haggle’ attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, ‘Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price.’
 

The shopkeeper said, ‘By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one.’
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.  Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.   She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.  Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it’s back, and frustrated, shouts out, ‘Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either.’

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of “yes/no” type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
 
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
“I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers.”

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on “Science & Nature.” Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” 

 

She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?” 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.” 

It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my girlfriend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas. 

 

Well, Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself. I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches. 

 

When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka. I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did. 

 

It said: “For best results, put on two coats.” 

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…….
- she called me to get my phone number.
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate.”
- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
- she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
- she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK.”
- she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
- she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- she tried to drown a fish.
- she thought a quarterback was a refund.
- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
- if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you’d get change back.
- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
- under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”
- she tripped over a cordless phone.
- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- at the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”…she put Sagittarius.”
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
- if she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless.
- she studied for a blood test.
- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
- she sold the car for gas money.
- when she saw the “NC-17″ (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home.

It was Saturday morning and Chris, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag his first deer of the season. He walks downstairs to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his blonde wife, Jill, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Chris asks her, “What are you up to?” Jill smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!” Chris, though he has many reservations, reluctantly agrees to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Chris sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and instructs her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim at it and shoot.  I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Chris walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag a watermelon – never mind a deer.
But not 5 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Chris runs back. As he gets closer to Jill’s stand, Chris hears his wife screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake runs faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another round of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Chris is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she’s never had a lesson or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot get a firm grip. 

She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. 

Finally, giving up her weak grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throws herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again. 

She starts to lose consciousness, when fortunately, Tony the department store greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. 

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’s seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made it to the nearest frozen lake. 

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly…from the sky…a voice boomed, “There are no fish under the ice.” Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. 

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice.” 

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: “There are NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” 

“Is that you Lord?” she asked. 

The voice replied, “No, this is the hockey rink manager!” 

A blonde woman named Babette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial trouble. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.She begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.” Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Babette again prays… “God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”

Lotto night comes and Babette still has no luck. Once again, she prays…”My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: “Babette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!!!!.” 

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together.  The first blonde plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde in great detail.  The robbery begins.   

The first blonde drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other blonde, “I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan.  You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?”  

“Perfectly,” she said. She goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car. One minute passes, two minutes pass…seven minutes pass - and the first blonde is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open and out she comes. She’s got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.  The guard’s pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.  

As the gals are getting away, the first blonde says “You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!”  

The second blonde said, “I did! I did exactly what you said!”  

“No, you idiot,” she replied. “You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!”