jokerslaugh.com

What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?

A cock that stays up all night!

The Elefant said to the camel “why do you have boobs on your back” and the camel said “its a stupid Question” and then the camel says to the elefant “at least i dont have a dick on my face! ha ha ha!!!”

 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

“Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story…. Don’t mess with old farts…age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, “What’s the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?” The dog answers “ROOF.” The bartender says, “Who are you kidding? I’m not paying.” The dogs owner says, “How about double or nothing and I’ll ask him something else”.  The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time”. The dog answers with a muffled “RUTH.” With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says “DiMaggio?” 

A woman walks into a bar with her five pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, “Whoa, I don’t remember eating that!” 

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, ” I sure wish I could do that!”

The other one looks at him and says, “Well, I think I’d pet him first”.

Mr. Fox and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn’t like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a glowing frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The glowing frog admitted that he didn’t often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.

Mr. Fox immediately wished that all the other foxes in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Fox was amazed at Mr. Rabbit’s wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the foxes in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Fox could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Fox made his final wish, that all the other foxes in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male fox in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, paused for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Fox was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

A pony walks into a bar and says “Bartender, may I have a drink?” 

Bartender says “What? I can’t hear you. Speak up!” 

“May I please have a drink?” 

“What? You have to speak up!” 

“Could I please have a drink?” 

“Now listen, if you don’t speak up I will not serve you.” 

“I’m sorry, I’m just a little hoarse.” 

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”
 
The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens….look at what it did to me!”
The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.”
 
The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon…..just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won’t bother you,”
The young rooster says, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over!”
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what, young fellow, I’ll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I’m so feeble, why not give me a little head start?
The young rooster says, “Sure, why not, you know I’ll still beat you.”
 
They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck “Go!” and the old rooster takes off running. About 20 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what’s going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.
He shakes his head in sadness and says, “Son of a b*tch…fourth gay rooster I bought this week!”

A preacher wanted to raise money for his congregation and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! 

The next day the local paper carried the headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased that he entered the donkey in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. 

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. 

There was a dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch reading. ”Excuse me, sir, does your dog bite?” a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ”Nope.” As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ”I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!” The old man muttered, ”Ain’t my dog.” 

It was Saturday morning and Chris, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag his first deer of the season. He walks downstairs to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his blonde wife, Jill, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Chris asks her, “What are you up to?” Jill smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!” Chris, though he has many reservations, reluctantly agrees to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Chris sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and instructs her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim at it and shoot.  I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Chris walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag a watermelon – never mind a deer.
But not 5 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Chris runs back. As he gets closer to Jill’s stand, Chris hears his wife screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake runs faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another round of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Chris is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she’s never had a lesson or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot get a firm grip. 

She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. 

Finally, giving up her weak grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throws herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again. 

She starts to lose consciousness, when fortunately, Tony the department store greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. 

How to Bathe a Cat
Please forward to cat lovers everywhere who, like myself, are very concerned about their hygiene.
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION:  Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “powerwash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
 The DOG

My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn’t perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.

He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn’t ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster’s neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. My uncle’s favourite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn’t ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.