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Dear Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks, Joe

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support”. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just
deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire, section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but VERY high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.  This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

 A great new software announcement!!!! This memo is to announce the development of a new software system.
 We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the “Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS).
 Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone.  We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
 As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS.  This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
 Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.  
 I’ve noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS.  Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me “I’m a little nervous, I’ve never put anything in MYASS before.” I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again.  She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.
 I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS.  In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
 We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS.  As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say “Here, stick this in MYASS”.
 This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information.  When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Manager proudly stated “Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS”.