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This is Heaven This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. 

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “ooohed and aaahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.” 

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. 

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?” 

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.” 

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. 

“How much to eat?” asked the old man. 

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied. 

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly. “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.” 

The old man looked at his wife and said, “You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago! 

Remember,  there are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian church.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

The night before a couple were about to be married, they both were killed in a car accident. They arrived in Heaven and asked St. Peter if they could still get married. 

 

The couple was called in to actually see God. God spoke, ‘I will grant you your wish. But not right now. It may be a few days or a few years, but I will allow you to be married.’ 

 

Five years came and went and the couple was finally called upon to get married. After one day of wedding ‘bliss’, they went back to God to see if they could get a divorce. They were sure the marriage would not last. 

 

God spoke, ‘It took me five years to finally get a priest in Heaven. Do you have any idea how much longer it will be until we get a lawyer?!’ 

A preacher wanted to raise money for his congregation and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! 

The next day the local paper carried the headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased that he entered the donkey in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. 

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. 

A blonde woman named Babette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial trouble. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.She begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.” Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Babette again prays… “God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”

Lotto night comes and Babette still has no luck. Once again, she prays…”My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: “Babette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!!!!.” 

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked if this was it.  God said, “No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it.
She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. 
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 Years?”
God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”

“It’s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”

“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.  I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man.

“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel agent.
“I vont to go to India.”
“Mrs. Cohen, why India? It’s filthy, much hotter than New York, it’s
full of poor, dirty people.”

“I vont to go to India.”
“But it’s a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You can’t drink the water.  You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You’ll get sick: the plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, God only knows. What will you do?  Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?”

“I vont to go to India.”

The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram.  There she joins the seemingly never-ending line of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru.

“Datz OK.”

Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that due to the long lines she can only say SIX words to the guru.

“Fine.”

She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon his eager initiates.  Just before she reaches the holy of holiest she is once again reminded: “Remember, just SIX words.”

Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostrate at his feet she stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on him, and says: “Sheldon, I’m your mother. Come home.”