jokerslaugh.com

Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

”Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.

”Yeah,” said the newlywed man. ”She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

”That’s okay,” said the man. ”We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
 
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, “I know the whole truth.”
 
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
 
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
 
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
 
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
 
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
 
Open the damn safe!! he yells at the girl behind the counter. “But we’re not a real bank” she replies. “We don’t have any money; this is a sperm bank.”
 
“Don’t argue! ….. Open the fucking safe or I’ll blow your head off” She obliges and once she’s opened the safe door the guy says “Take out one of the bottles and drink it.”
 
“But it’s full of sperm!” she replies nervously.
 
“Don’t argue, just drink it” he says. She takes the cap off and gulps it down.   ”Take out another one and drink it too” he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well.
 
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and, to the girl’s amazement, it’s her husband.  “Now was that so damn difficult?”

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.  The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.

The husband said, “Who was that?” The wife said, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know “if the coast is clear.”

The wife phoned her husband in the office and said, “Darling, come home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner.”
“Good.” replied the husband, “Make sure she’s well done.” 

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. 

“How’d you get down her so fast?” he asked.  “We were just making love!”  

“Oh my God,” his wife gasped, “That’s my mother up there!  She came over early and had complained of having a headache.  I told her to lie down for awhile.” 

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.  “Mother, I can’t believe this happened.  Why didn’t you say something?”  

The mother-in-law huffed, “I haven’t spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn’t about to start now!” 

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. 

 

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, “What are we going to do?” 

 

“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.” 

Here’s a laugh for all you who are already married, thinking of being married, hoping NEVER to be married. Enjoy! The following is from an actual 1950’s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.

1.   Have dinners ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2.   Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3.   Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4.   Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5.   Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.  Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6.   Some DONT’S: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7.   Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.  Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8.   Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9.   Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10.  The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

******Now the updated version for the 90’s woman******

1.   Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2.   Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the “LANCOME” counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don’t forget to use his credit card!)

3.   Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4.   Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.

5.   Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

6.   Some DONT’S: Don’t greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner.  Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.

7.   Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he’s cold. This will really show you care.

8.   Listen to him: But don’t ever let him get the last word.

9.   Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase “Girls’ Night Out!”

10.  The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he’s wrong, it revolves around YOU!!!

Dear Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks, Joe

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support”. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just
deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire, section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but VERY high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.  This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

A fortyish woman was naked and jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. 

He watches her for a while and says “You look ridiculous! What on earth are you doing?” 

She says, ” I just had my check-up and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old ” She starts laughing and jumping again. 

He says “Yeah, right and what did he say about your 41 year old ass?” 

and she replied “Your name never came up.”