jokerslaugh.com

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. She’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years…Alzheimer’s and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk…and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Then there is the male addendum to these rules
…. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
Good Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn’t give two shit’s about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I’m gonna go shag something.
White Zin: He’s gay.

WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure…..go ahead…. = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I am self conscious about my body.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]
Was that the baby?=Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep?
I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

MEN’S ENGLISH:
“I’m hungry.” = I’m hungry.
“I’m sleepy.” = I’m sleepy.
“I’m tired.” = I’m tired.
“Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Can I take you out to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Nice dress!” = Nice cleavage!
“You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = I want to fondle you.
“What’s wrong?” = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal of this.
“What’s wrong?” = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
“What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
“I’m bored.” = Do you want to have sex?
“I love you.” = Let’s have sex now.
“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = I liked it better before. Don’t ever cut it again.
“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
“Let’s talk.” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.
“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) “I like that one better.” = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!
“I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together.” = I am gay

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK-She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER-She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY-She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT-She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB-She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND-She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY-She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY-She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD-She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY-She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY-She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS-She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU-She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT-She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS-She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE-She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a BEER GUT-He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER-He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME-He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING-He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER-He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK-He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS-He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE-He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG-He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT-He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES-He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT

How many men does it take to open a beer? 

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. 

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? 

Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. 

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Why do women have smaller feet than men? 

It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? 

When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…” 

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How do you fix a woman’s watch? 

You don’t. There is a clock on the oven. 

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Why do men break wind more than women? 

Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. 

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 

The dog, of course - he’ll shut up once you let him in. 

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What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? 

A woman who won’t do what she’s told. 

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I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. 

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I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her. 

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. 

It’s called a Wedding Cake. 

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Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and all the bloody Suffering. 

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Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?” 

I said, “Dust!” 

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. 

Then God created Man and rested. 

Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. 

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Why do men die before their wives? 

They want to. 

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A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping in

Oxford street

and said, “I haven’t eaten anything for days.” 

She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.” 

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The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. 

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.