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A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The Bartender says, “Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?” The man replies ” I don’t know but its driving me nuts”. 

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. “But sir,” said the clerk, “you have the best room in the hotel.” “I insist on another room!!!” said the drunk. “Very good, sir. I’ll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don’t like 502?” asked the clerk. “Well, for one thing,” said the drunk, “it’s on fire.” 

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
6. The Kid’s Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad, Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go To Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That’s It, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16 The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. You’ve Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
27. Curious George In The Greyhound Station Men’s Room
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose
30. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The ‘Hood’.
31. The Tickling Babysitter
32. The Grinch’s Ten Inches
33. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
34. The Little Engine that Could Becomes Intoxicated and Kills A Few Pedestrians.
35. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
Good Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn’t give two shit’s about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I’m gonna go shag something.
White Zin: He’s gay.

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, “What’s the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?” The dog answers “ROOF.” The bartender says, “Who are you kidding? I’m not paying.” The dogs owner says, “How about double or nothing and I’ll ask him something else”.  The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time”. The dog answers with a muffled “RUTH.” With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says “DiMaggio?” 

A man walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, “Where’d you get the great shirt mate?” The man replies, “David Jones.” This second guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes “Where’d you get the great pants mate?” The man replies, “David Jones.” This third guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, “Where’d you get the great shoes and socks mate?” The man replies, “David Jones.” Then this fourth guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, “Look Who the hell are you mate?” And the naked guy says, “I’m David Jones!” 

A woman walks into a bar with her five pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, “Whoa, I don’t remember eating that!” 

There were these 3 guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them “Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in.”

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out “Bananas!” and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out “Money!” and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells “Oh Shit!”

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.
They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
 
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
 
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
 
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!”

A man goes to a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling at the waitress, “Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!”

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, “That’s disgusting!”

Then the waitress says, “You think that’s disgusting you should see him make donuts.”

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
 
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, “I know the whole truth.”
 
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
 
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
 
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
 
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
 
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
 
Open the damn safe!! he yells at the girl behind the counter. “But we’re not a real bank” she replies. “We don’t have any money; this is a sperm bank.”
 
“Don’t argue! ….. Open the fucking safe or I’ll blow your head off” She obliges and once she’s opened the safe door the guy says “Take out one of the bottles and drink it.”
 
“But it’s full of sperm!” she replies nervously.
 
“Don’t argue, just drink it” he says. She takes the cap off and gulps it down.   ”Take out another one and drink it too” he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well.
 
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and, to the girl’s amazement, it’s her husband.  “Now was that so damn difficult?”

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.” 

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she’s speeding so she asks the blonde if there’s a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he’s got his lights on. The blonde replies “Yes…No…Yes…No…Yes…No” 

This is Heaven This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. 

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “ooohed and aaahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.” 

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. 

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?” 

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.” 

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. 

“How much to eat?” asked the old man. 

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied. 

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly. “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.” 

The old man looked at his wife and said, “You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago! 

Remember,  there are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian church.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The man replied “I work for the IRS.”

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt!” Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, “Hey! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The drunk replies, “That’s not a lion! It’s a giraffe.” 

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.  As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? …
They send me a BLIND policeman. . .