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that she makes the sun jealous.

yo mamma so old she saw passion of the christ live

Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

”Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.

”Yeah,” said the newlywed man. ”She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

”That’s okay,” said the man. ”We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?

A cock that stays up all night!

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

(Q)what did the alien say to the book?

(A)take me to your reader!

The Elefant said to the camel “why do you have boobs on your back” and the camel said “its a stupid Question” and then the camel says to the elefant “at least i dont have a dick on my face! ha ha ha!!!”

 

 that when she jumped for joy she got stuck

 

she thought a quarterback was a refund!!

how is a soyburger like a dildo?they”re subsitutes for meat!!                                                                                   

yo mamma so poor she hangs toilet paper out to dry.

 

One night Sandra woke up and herd a voice saying”I’m gonna get you!” so she goes down stairs and she hears the voice again “im gonna get you!”so she goes into the kitchen and hears it again”im gonna get you!”she opens the cupboard and opens a box in the cupboard and see’s her brother picking his nose!!!!!!!!ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

“Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story…. Don’t mess with old farts…age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the vending machine and it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says “The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order”! 

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The Bartender says, “Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?” The man replies ” I don’t know but its driving me nuts”. 

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. “But sir,” said the clerk, “you have the best room in the hotel.” “I insist on another room!!!” said the drunk. “Very good, sir. I’ll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don’t like 502?” asked the clerk. “Well, for one thing,” said the drunk, “it’s on fire.” 

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
6. The Kid’s Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad, Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go To Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That’s It, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16 The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. You’ve Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
27. Curious George In The Greyhound Station Men’s Room
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose
30. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The ‘Hood’.
31. The Tickling Babysitter
32. The Grinch’s Ten Inches
33. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
34. The Little Engine that Could Becomes Intoxicated and Kills A Few Pedestrians.
35. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
Good Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn’t give two shit’s about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I’m gonna go shag something.
White Zin: He’s gay.

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, “What’s the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?” The dog answers “ROOF.” The bartender says, “Who are you kidding? I’m not paying.” The dogs owner says, “How about double or nothing and I’ll ask him something else”.  The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time”. The dog answers with a muffled “RUTH.” With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says “DiMaggio?”